My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Randomize
