2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Randomize
