The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize
