i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
Randomize
