this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
