tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
