I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
