I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
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