trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
