i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
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