i think i recognize dicks better than faces
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
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