I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
