Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
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