last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
