her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
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