So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
