I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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