Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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