dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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