I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
