You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Randomize
