I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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