apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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