The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
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