I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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