i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
