I like my sex mixed with concussions.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Randomize
