On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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