i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
