so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
