During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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