I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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