if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
