after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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