Whod you bang
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Randomize
