I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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