I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
ttyl tear gas
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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