it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
