dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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