Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I understand Curling. That high.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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