Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
