I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I've blown a few things in my day
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
