Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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