just tell him i said nine months
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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