I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Michael Bay diarrhea
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
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