What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
