It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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