Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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