my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Randomize
