my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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