you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
